On Motherhood

I think I have discussed motherhood with you before. Do you recall? You have a blank look on your face...and that is permission for me to proceed. Ha ha. Luckily for you, you are not actually sitting in front of me, face to face. You can walk away from this conversation that is LONG, however heartfelt. Go ahead, it won't bother me...I merely need the emotional outlet...

For me, motherhood was the culminating experience that would define an achievement of all of my goals and desires. And once I had reached this experience, I found myself lacking and floundering and wondering what I was going to find joy and achievement in for the next 20 years. My mother was a great example. She gave selflessly every day. She created and bolstered and gave confidence and love like the perfect mother would. So I figured it would come easy. I had all the right instincts. I had the desire. I had the faith. Didn't I?

Well, here I am. About to have my 5th child and I am STARTING to realize a few things. A long time ago I asked you about sleeping habits of children and hinted to you that I had a theory. I never did tell you that theory and that was partly because it had much more to do with life than with sleeping habits. And it is hard to form into words. But, roughly speaking, it is my theory that most of us live out of fear and circumstance. We create our lives by what we believe we can cope with and by what we believe we are given. We have an innate doubt about our true ability to change and to control. And we are lazy. And so we do the bare minimum. We put out kids to bed when it becomes absolutely necessary. Not with purpose. We take away the binkies only when social circumstances outweigh our fear of a screaming child, or when it becomes more inconvenient for us as parents to have the binky than to not. My theory is that we live out of convenience and laziness and fear...a lot of the time.

Through an article in this month's Ensign, I am beginning to more fully grasp that I was not prepared to be a mother. I was prepared to be a good person. I was prepared to choose right over wrong. I was prepared to follow the commandments. I was prepared to have faith. And even though all of these things are stepping stones to achieving "motherhood" they lack the most important thing of all...PURPOSE.

A few months ago I found myself drowning in this life of motherhood. I had lost sight of what I was supposed to be doing. The motions were automatic and I began to wonder if I really even knew what I wanted out of my life. So I went all drastic and dropped EVERYTHING. I stayed home as much as possible and began to focus on what I thought I wanted and needed to make my family successful. I started to make goals that weren't based out of fear; or out of mundane everyday necessities like laundry and schoolwork; or out of given circumstances. It's amazing to me how often I do the least of what needs to be done. Forget scripture study, there is homework to be done. Forget family home evening, the house needs to be cleaned and nobody has done their reading yet. Forget prayer, if the kids aren't in bed in the next five minutes I am going to kill them all.

This article in the Ensign has put into words for me the things that I have been trying to grasp for a while now. "Without family, there is no plan; there is no reason for mortal life." "When we speak of qualifying for the blessings of eternal life, we mean qualifying for the blessings of eternal families." "To be sealed for eternity, to have posterity...is the only means by which we can one day see the face of God and live." It seems that I grew up focusing on "me" and "me" achieving eternal life...and now I have been trying to encircle my family within those achievements by using the same "me" tactics. If we choose right over wrong it will be good enough. If we are nice, it will be good enough. But I don't think it is. I think we need....PURPOSE. We need to "live and teach with so much clarity that what you teach will cut through the noise youth are hearing and so it will peirce their hearts and touch them." We need to be "brilliant in the basics so that" we are "intentional about our roles." We need to "think in terms of precision not perfection. If you have your goals and you are precise in how you go about them in your homes, youth will learn from you. They will learn that you pray, study the scriptures together, have family home evening, make a priority of mealtimes, and speak respectfully to your marriage partner."

And there it is. The recipe for success. It is my newest desire to have purpose in my life. I will not be a mother who functions day to day according to what "needs" to be done. I will be a mother with purpose. A mother who is striving for eternal life in families. I will be a mother who will teach my girls how to be mothers with purpose and clarity. I will help them understand that we have the choice to change our lives and to influence our outcomes and thus ultimately be together forever.

And even as I type this...I cry tears of fear that I will not ever be good enough. And so know, that even though it sounds lofty...it is not. It is merely a baby step of faith in what I hope to be the right direction of this life of motherhood. A tentative foot forward that God will take my hand and guide me through this life and into the next...with my family.