I may step on a few toes with this post...so beware. But, let's face it, it is my blog and I do get to say whatever I want...
I was talking with Jason the other night. We were naming the people that we knew that were truly full-time mothers...and the list was small. This is interesting to me, in our highly Mormon culture. What justifies being a working mother? I won't even begin to list the reasons why or why not because then I would really be stepping on some toes...but let's just say, in my own judgmental way, I think that a lot of the people I know that work don't really have a justifiable reason....
When I was going to college and deciding my career choice, I figured that teaching would be a good path for me to follow. I loved kids. I couldn't get enough of them. But, once in the major, I realized that a lot of people were in it as a cop-out. Easy major. No brains required (okay, you do have to have a little intelligence, but there were a lot of people in there with VERY little intelligence!). So I got out. I figured I would do something that would actually make me some money. And I hated it. I wanted to be around those little kids. And then a religion teacher said something that decided it all for me, "Don't be a teacher unless you can't stand not being one." That was exactly how I felt. I couldn't stand not being a teacher. And that's how I feel about being a Mom to my kids. I can't stand not to be a Mom. Even the thought of putting my kids in day care makes me physically sick. Heck, when Jason plans a big vacation (every 5 years or so :)) where we leave the kids with someone for a week...it about kills me. You see, no matter how nice you are and no matter if you are a relative or not, I know that you will never love my kids like I do. No one will.
I have come to, as brother Holland put it so eloquently, [Cherish my role that is so uniquely mine and for which heaven itself sends angels to watch over me and my little ones.] I am a firm believer in being home and having my number one purpose be to be a Mommy. It's okay if I don't get to explore all my interests right now. It's okay if I get lonely for adult attention. It's okay if the best brain stimulation I get is when Nikell and I worked on shapes and letters. It's okay if I have a bad day. I am learning to be the best I can be and I am learning cherish every moment of it. I am amazed that God trusted me with these little bodies and I know that if I make my purpose one with His then I will be "magnified, compensated, made more than I am, better than I am, even better than I have ever been." But if my desires are elsewhere then I do not qualify for those blessings. Period.
It's a hard balance. And it's even harder when the world starts pulling you different directions. Or when people think that you're time as a mother is just time for them to utilize for their purposes. I think we should all work together, don't get me wrong. But please know that my kids are number one for me. I plan on being here for them day in and day out until they decide to venture out on their own. I'll have my time...maybe even eternities of time...but for now I am determined to be a full-time mother. And I am determined to enjoy it.
12 comments:
I have often come to the realization that I can't stand to not be with my kids. The thought of someone else teaching them or experiencing their milestones without me kills me. Yet, I do have to remind myself of that, especially when I think of all the money I could be making out in the world. The money that would make like "oh so much easier." But in truth, it wouldn't make my life easier. I'd be in misery being away from my kids for hours every day.
You're a dang good mom and your kids are lucky and so happy to have you. You're doing great and I think you're incredible.
We are a minority. I was shocked one year to realize I was the only woman with young children in my ward who wasn't working outside of the home. Many of the women didn't want to work out of the home. They said they were doing it to help with bills, but truthfully their spending just increased. I am so thankful I get to stay at home with my children. I realize it isn't perfect, but it is the only job I want. That is because I want to love it. Thanks for this message. It reminded me of goals I want to achieve with my time at home with my little ones. They won't be here that much longer.
I love this post and it reminds me of my own mother. I hope I can be the kind of mother you are and be just as determined.
I may be a full time mother, but I am so far from being good at it. I pray that I can be better everyday! Love you all!
I think this a great topic! I love you Jeri Dawn – just want to add my two cents.
I work outside the home. I would much rather be a stay at home mom, and hopefully will be soon. However, I have to ask, what is a justifiable reason? I know that some moms work because they love to work, some moms work because they want to have nice things, some moms work to keep up with the Joneses, but how do you know really what their reasons are? They may have more financial problems than you realize.
The Lord has also counseled us to be self reliant - and if someone is a stay at home mom but can only do so with regular help from the bishop and/or food stamps(not one time help, or emergency/temporary help) - is that really what the lord is trying to teach us? My husband was recently laid off and unemployed for 6 months. We managed pretty well since I have a great job that pays well for part time and provides insurance. He is now employed again with a much better job that pays more than his previous one, and after we build up some savings I’m hoping to be a full-time mom. My only hesitancy is my fear of the unknown. What if he becomes unemployed again? What then?
I know that ideally, we would all be stay at home moms, and honestly I do hope to be one soon, but for some people it really isn’t an option (and unless we are in their shoes, how can we know if it is justifiable or not?).
Again, love you Jeri Dawn and I think this is good food for thought.
I love your post. This is how I feel... I can't stand NOT being with my kids.
I hated working after Lizzy was born. I hated paying somebody else to live my dream. Lizzy was nearly 4 when Clinton finally had a degree and a real paying job.
He's happier and more fulfilled as a provider, and I'm happier and more fulfilled as the all-day mom.
Some of my friends truly do honestly have to work. I did. I count my blessings, and I'm glad to be reminded of how grateful I am.
This is my dream, and I love it.
Some days I need to remember to like it more.
Michelle, there is a reason that I didn't list any justifiable reasons! Ha ha. And really, I am not usually one to judge why people do anything. But, I really feel it is a phenomenon that has become the norm in our Mormon culture. Is it justifiable because you fear that you won't have enough money? Is it justifiable because you don't have the personality to be a full time Mom? Because you have a hard time being with your kids on the weekends? Is it justifiable because you once needed it and now it's just the way life is?
I do realize that there are people who need to work and I'm not trying to criticize anyone in particular...merely to state my opinion. And there are many days when I think it would be nice to work too--more fulfilling, less boring, more goal-oreinted, adult interaction, and to have money! However, it's not worth the trade off for me.
Please don't think I look down on you if you are a working Mom, it is not the case. And most likely, I'm not even thinking, judging, or caring about any of you in particular. I am merely stating my opinion about something that has been repeatedly taught in Church history, conferences, lesson manuals, etc. and pondering on the fact that it seems to be becoming a lost art.
I love you too Michelle! Thanks for your comment!
Oh boy don't get me started on this subject :). I do love you and your opinions. They always make me think.
I think that this is similar to Coke drinking. I don't look down on Coke drinkers, and we can all interpret what the prophet meant when he answered 'right' to Mike Wallace in April of 1996 regarding Mormons "health code... not even caffeinated soft drinks", but I do find it strange how many Mormons gloat about their need for a Coke. The church is clear on addictive substances, just like it's clear on how divine a mother's calling is. Caffeine has a useful purpose and some mothers need to work. But why is it that the norm seems to be against what is taught?
I'm not proclaiming to be anywhere near perfect, nor even half-decent at evaluating people motives, but I love a good dialog, and love the stay-at-home attitude of the mother of my children.
I had a job I adored. It was the best job in the world as far as I was concerned. When I told the principal (an LDS woman/mother) that I was finally pregnant after 5 years of trying, it was hard. I wasn't going to come back the next school year. She tried to sway me offering anything I wanted to get me to stay - split hours, only a couple days a week, my pick of classes - just stay. It felt like a hard decision for about 2 minutes. But I looked at her and told her, "I have worked too hard to become a mother to let someone else raise my baby."
Imagine my surprise when school started that fall and I was swept into a horrible depression! Wasn't I supposed to be gleefully happy doing my divine job as mother? I wasn't. As much as I loved my baby, I missed the fulfillment of my job. It has been seven years now since that meeting with my principal and I'm thankful I stayed strong in MY opinion.
My opinion ... there are situations when a mom needs to work, but I think they are less frequent than today's society makes them. I applaud the mothers who work from home. I see it as their way of getting the best of both worlds. And by commenting so late in the game, perhaps I won't get egged for my opinion, but I think if the husband is doing what he's supposed to really do, the wife shouldn't have to work. If he's taking care of his family, he'll do whatever is necessary to let that momma stay home.
I do have a friend who works part-time because she wants to. Her mother-instincts don't come naturally and she works hard to do what she thinks she should ... crafts, cooking, reading, all those things a mom should do. But she feels like a fish out of water doing them. Her twins are 6. To maintain her sanity, she worked one day a week until the kids started school and now works a few days while they are in school. But in her situation, the dad was able to be home that one day and the kids thought it was cool to spend a whole day with just dad.
What's good for one isn't good for the other and what works for one won't work for another, but I'm thankful that I am able to live the ideal our church leaders have taught (and that we haven't had to be a one-car family to do it)!
Thanks for the brain stimulation! A good debate is always fun - especially when no one has to be the winner!
Thanks so much for sharing this! I totally and completely agree with you JeriDawn! There are way too many justifications when the guidance we've received over and over again is so clear. I hope that someday when I have a family that I'll be able to be a full time mom too.
I'm chiming in late in the game. I read this on Google Reader right when you posted it and meant to comment right away, but alas, here we are.
I have such a BIG testimony of being a stay-at-home mom. I heard a talk at a woman's conference once that touched me to the core and solidified my testimony of being a stay-at-home mom, no matter the sacrifice. I'm currently a full-time working mother.
It was the hardest choice I ever made to quit my job three years ago because it meant leaving a well-paying job that allowed me to work from home -- and leaving a home we loved and moving into a basement apartment and cutting coupons -- something I'd never done, and donating my plasma when my husband got home from work -- just to make ends meet. We sold our nice vehicle and bought a 1987 Suzuki Samurai -- lol! I wish you could have seen Oby driving 40 (the max speed) on the freeway everyday. His one hour commute was turned in to 1 1/2 hours. But he did it -- we did all of it, so I could be home with Chloe. It was more important than anything for me to be Chloe's mom.
The past year we financially couldn't make ends meet anymore. I cried daily. I asked for help from the Lord, from family. We tried cutting back on Chloe's meds that are SO expensive (over $1000 out of pocket each month). We stopped going to movies. We never ate out. We ate ramen noodles many nights. We diminished our food supply. We fasted once a week that Oby would get a giant promotion. We considered renting out our house and moving in with one of our parents, but when we created a budget with that in mind, it still ended up in the red. Ultimately, we were guided to seek a job and a promise was given that I would find one that would have flexible hours and bring financial relief. The moment I read my job description, I knew it was for me. They offered me to start the day after Chloe started school making more money than I made at my previous job with flexible hours and an incredibly understanding and supportive boss. I get to go into work whenever I want, so I'm always able to spend the morning with Chloe and get her on the bus. We are blessed to have incredible family support to pick up the slack when Chloe gets off school. and Oby goes to work early and gets off work early, so her grandma's only have her 1-2 hours.
It's "ideal," really.
I hate it.
I cry sometimes when I'm at work and I know Chloe is getting off the bus right then. You know, I've only been there ONCE to greet her as she gets home from school. It breaks my heart. It is against my genetic code to drop her off with my mom when she has a cold. My mom is an incredible caretaker, but NO ONE can take better care of my baby than I can. I know that and it kills me.
Wow I'm rambling. And crying. Oh well.
My point is this. I agree with you 100%. There ARE way too many justifications in our culture for moms to work outside the home, but I also agree with everything Michelle said about self-reliance. At the end of the day, everyone has to judge only themselves and the Lord will take care of the rest.
Feel free to add prayers that Oby gets a giant promotion. We're still holding out on that one!!! ;O)
(Sorry for rambling. sheesh!)
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