You know, life is not always as it seems. Looking at this sweet little face gives me such joy, but my heart also breaks. Mialee is a tormented child. I would say OCD personality type, but that's my diagnosis as a mom. She is always, always, always worrying. It started with potty training when we talked about germs and washing our hands. "What? There are germs?" Instant obsessive hand washer. We talked and reaffirmed and talked and reaffirmed and we got past it. But it has consistently moved from one thing to another for the past couple of years. And then it started to interrupt life. Every five minutes she had to come tell me something that she was worried about. She couldn't play, we couldn't go anywhere..not without the constant whispers in my ear. So I started researching a bit and seeking out help. Well, she has her ups and downs. This past week, Jason was out of town and perhaps this is what set her off, I don't really know. But everything that Mialee has ever worried about came haunting this week.

"Mom, I think I got pee pee on the cupboard."
"Mom, I think I said something mean."
"Mom, I think I whined."
"Mom, I think I hurt Nikell."
"Mom, I think I did something bad when I touched that."
"Mom, I think I called that person fat."
"Mom, I think I told the whole world that I was mad at them."
"Mom, I think I made a mess."
"Mom, I think touched something I wasn't supposed to."
"Mom, I think I did all the bad things that I am not supposed to do."
"Mom, I think I did a new bad thing."
"Mom, I think I did all the bad things and the new bad thing."
"Mom, I think I got my clothes dirty and I still wanted to wear them."
"Mom, I think I got my germs on that."
"Mom, I think I spit on that."
"Mom, I think I got my spit on everything."
"Mom, I think I was mean to that boy."
"Mom, I think I took that without asking."
"Mom, mom, mom, mom, I think, I think, I think, I think..."

Day in and day out, seconds apart, Mialee worried and worried and worried. She still worries. Even when she is not with me and she internalizes the worry, it's still there. You can see it on her face. I cry for her and for me regularly. I try new things and reinstitute old things. We keep learning together and I am constantly, and most importantly, reaffirming my love for her. Today, I came home after another discussion with a childhood professional, and cried once again. I am so worried for her and how her life will turn out and I know that I have a huge impact on it all. It's so much responsibility and I never have enough knowledge or patience or time or understanding...and yet It's important that I convey to her that it's not a big deal and that she's not driving me absolutely crazy and that I don't want to run away screaming with my hands over my ears.

And so today when I wondered how much longer I could go on, and the tears fell once again down my face, the sweet spirit of peace whispered into my heart that Mialee was sent to me, especially, because I am the one with the ability to help her. That she could have been sent somewhere else where she could have been beat down and less understand and unable to cope. Now, I'm not saying that there aren't other families that could have helped Mialee, but God gave her to me. He trusted me with her sweet soul and sensitive little mind. And so He will enable me to help her. And that's all there is to it. No matter our struggles, or our fears, or our shortcomings, we can have everything that we need. I am so thankful for that. I pray every day and every night and all the time that I will do right by Mialee. And I often fail. And then I pick myself up again, and I pick Mialee up again, and we start over. Day by day, minute by minute, worry by worry.

So if were at your house and you see Mialee whispering sweet nothings in my ear, No, she doesn't need anything...Except your love and mine. And if you have a child that you too wonder about, know that God gave that kid to you on purpose and you are the one that is going to save them.