I Wish....

Today I was madly cleaning my kitchen because it was so insanely dirty. I have been gone the last couple of nights and Jason doesn't do damage control very well, and honestly, I really haven't felt like cleaning lately. Anyway, while I was cleaning I was wishing...

I wish that my walls would stay clean and that my floor would stay clean and that people would only magically appear at my door after I had just cleaned my house and not when I had been avoiding it. I wish that my kitchen wasn't 50 years old with holes in the linoleum. I wish that I had energy all of the time and I didn't have to fight myself on a regular basis. I wish that I was an excellent runner, like Jason, and that it didn't hurt all of the time. I wish that Nikell would stay healthy for more than a few weeks at a time, and I wish that she would gain weight. She is going to miss the chubby baby stage altogether. I wish that I never yelled. I wish that I had the motivation and the foresight to teach my kids all the things that I pray that they knew or will someday know. I wish I had the energy to be happy all of the time. I wish that I knew why I am angry on the days that I can't seem to chase the anger away. I wish I had the money to make my home a better place. I wish I had food storage. I wish that I never had to worry about money and when it gets to be the end of the month and my baby is sick (again) I didn't have to wonder where I was going to "borrow" the money to buy whatever I am supposed to buy this time to make her better. I wish I was the kind of friend that everyone wanted to be with. I wish I knew how to help people better. I wish I could hold Nikell forever and ever because she loves you back so perfectly. I wish I could run a marathon tomorrow and be done with it. I wish I could see people and life the way God sees it so that I wouldn't be so stupidly stupid. I wish I wasn't afraid and that I knew how to let things be. I wish I had balance in life; sweet peace in knowing that my priorities are right and that I spend just the right amount of time pleasing Sierra and Mialee and Nikell and Jason and church leaders and family and work and me. I wish that I could sleep all the way through the night, all of the time. I wish I was a morning person. I wish I didn't love sugar so much and that health food actually appealed to me. I wish, I wish, I wish...