On Not Being Good Enough

I have some neighbors, and dear friends, who are much wiser (which often coincides with being older too, ha ha) than I am.  They have been my beacon on dark and stormy nights and besides that, they are just plain fun to talk to--open and honest and not offended at differing opinions.

Well, I was recently highlighted in our Ward Relief Society News Letter.  One question asked what your biggest fear is.  My response was, "Not being good enough."  Now the problem with such questions is having to voice your biggest fear in less than 10 words.  It allows for a lot of misunderstanding and assumptions and my dear friends looked at that response, linked it with their knowledge of my perfectionism, and became a little worried.  And perhaps, rightly so....I don't know.
But I feel a need to explain.  So bear with me while I try.

There are two stories that I think will best illustrate my point--both revolving around college courses.

The first involves a Calculus class I took way back when.  It was a killer.  The teacher was much  better at expressing why college was the highest-costing, lowest-gaining commodity in our country than teaching math.  I knew it was gonna be hard from the first day.  So I buckled down and did everything in my power to get an A out of that class.  I studied, I got tutors, I worked, I asked questions, I clarified.  In the end I had the highest percentage in the class which resulted in an A-.  This irked me so much that I went and had a chat with the professor.  I pleaded my cause and justified an A with my "highest percentage."  His response was curt and to the point, "I'm sorry.  I simply just do not have any A students in this class."  What??!!!  I wanted to yell, "I AM AN A STUDENT!  LOOK AT MY TRANSCRIPTS.  CHECK MY SCHOLARSHIP!"  But I could see that my fight was lost, and I left his office in tears.  But I also left with a renewed testimony of the gospel and a deeper gratitude for a Savior who willingly makes up the difference when your best is not good enough.  For, unlike this ungracious professor, I know that my Heavenly Father and Savior will look upon me and my best efforts and then gingerly take me in their welcoming arms and whisper words of comfort and hope.  They will sigh at my imperfections, perhaps pat my idiotic head, and then willingly pay the price--if I have done my best.

The second story is about a science class.  I really didn't enjoy science and this teacher had a strong Ukranian accent and was forever preaching about how teenagers should not say "That sucks."  He proposed that if one was going to claim that something sucked, then they needed to clarify what was sucking or being sucked.  His favorite was, "That sucks big dinosaur eggs."  It's funny how I can still hear him spouting about dinosaur eggs....Anyway, at the end of the semester in this class, I also had an A-.  And when I saw that grade, my heart sunk.  I knew I could have done better.  I should have studied a little harder, put a little more effort into my assignments, tried a little more.  I KNEW I could have had an A, but I didn't enjoy the class and so I did what I thought was the least I could do and still get an A.  I fell short and I knew that it was completely my fault.

And this, of course, is where it all ties in.  When I say that my biggest fear is not being good enough, I do not mean that I fear never measuring up or marching into the pearly gates and being told that my best was just short of all of my hopes and dreams.  I have complete faith that my best will be good enough with the help of our Savior.  No, my fear is more about not doing enough because of lack of priorities, laziness, and temptations.  My fear is getting to Heaven and being shown an A- and knowing that it was my fault--that I could have done a little better and tried a little harder.

Because, here's the thing...I know that I am amazing or maybe that I have the ability to be amazing (meaning some days are better than others and some acts are definitely more amazing than others).  But I also know that everyone else has the same ability because my amazingness does not happen just because I am more special than everyone else.  It happens because God has given me (and all of us) specific gifts and talents to use for benefit of others and when I do that His amazingness flows through me--making me look like the amazing one.  I am amazing because I choose to keep his commandments and do the little things that make a difference and try to stay close to His spirit.  But I don't choose these things everyday.  Some days I am lazy and tired and callous.  Some days I know I could be and should be better...

So maybe, in the end, it's all the same.  I don't really know.  But I do know that I only fear not being good enough because of how amazing God is and how amazing He is willing to make me.

So there you have it--my biggest fear all laid out for you.  But, with that fear, please know that I also have great faith and great hope.  I have deep gratitude for all that I have been blessed with and, for the most part, I face each day with determination.  I will trudge on whether it be through beautiful flowering green fields or thick, deep, dark mud...and I will do so in faith.

The end.