On Monday, December 10, 2012, I went in for a routine 16 week baby check up. It was later in the day and I left Sierra and Mialee home to babysit. I had been rushing and hustling and had not thought much about my appointment and so as I got to the hospital and began the walk into the building, I began to contemplate it a bit. I was imagining the usual happenings of a routine check up and suddenly had a flash of a scenerio where my doctor could not find a heartbeat and then me calling Jason to tell him the news. I obviously dismissed it...until it happened. The funny thing was that as I lay there looking into my doctors face, watching for signs of panic, she was totally calm and not the least bit worried. She kept saying, "Wow, this little baby is really hiding from us today." And she would look a little bit more. "Hmm, this baby doesn't want to be found." And more looking. After several minutes she gave up and said, "Well, we'll just have to go find it on the ultra-sound." So off we went to do an ultra-sound, and still she was not the least bit worried...until it happened. There on the screen was my baby. Unmoving. And no heartbeat. She looked and looked and she was honestly shocked, more so than I was. After 5 healthy, mundane, pregnancies she never imagined this. "So now what?" I asked. She explained that the baby was too big for my body to miscarry by itself at this point--or that it might take a long time to do so. So I would have to be induced. Wednesday Night. I was supposed to call and see how busy the hospital was and get a time. Wednesday night. This was when the tears hit. I quickly exited the hospital and began trying, desperately, to call Jason. And, of course, my phone wouldn't work. I eventually turned it off and back on again and called his work. No answer. So I moved on to his cell. Hearing his voice, I asked him where he was. I needed him. I wanted him. NOW. He was on his way home. "What is the matter?" He asked. I could barely choke out the words, "Our baby died. It no longer has a heartbeat." I told him I would just come home, and I wondered how I would make it. I sobbed the whole way...
I cried the whole night. I began to text family and friends, knowing that they needed to know, but unwilling to try to actually physically speak to anyone. I was a little shocked and a lot sad. Once I finally slept, I slept soundly, until one of my sick kids woke me up--and it all came rushing back. Then the tears began again. My head hurt so bad and I just couldn't stop crying.
I had two days to process the loss of this baby before I had to go in and be induced. And I did well at that. What I didn't do was process the fact that I had to actually go in and have a baby. That started to hit me Wednesday and I was scared. I was not prepared for labor and delivery. It's one thing to have to lose your baby and whole other thing to have to go in and give birth to it. But regardless, it had to happen.
The actually labor was easy. I wish all labors were that easy. Under six hours and out he came. The hospital staff were wonderful and the Share Parents volunteers were a God-send. We came home Thursday afternoon.
Jason and I decided not give this little baby a name. He was really only the beginning of a baby. A hope of things to come. A hope taken away. He will be cremated and buried at the Angel Statue in Baby Land of the Logan Cemetary.
So, this is our story. And how are we? We are doing well. Our faith is strong. I regret shutting everyone out, but honestly I couldn't do it. I couldn't bear to see a soul. It was my pain and mine alone and I wanted to deal with it on my own. But I am doing better now. I am still somewhat of an emotional wreck, but I am ready now. Come hug me. I can take it.
The miracle and the blessing of it all is that Jason and I are on the same page. Our feelings are aligned and it has made it easy to talk through the loss of this little baby. We both feel that our purpose here is to provide a home for God's children. And if God didn't see fit for this little guy to make it, then we will cope. Things are as they should be. If, or when, the time comes for God to send us another baby to be stewards over, we will be ready and willing. It's all part of a bigger plan and we feel His love and His reassurance. Things are as they should be.
Even though the pain of it all is strong and I weep at the loss of a pregnancy and am still adjusting to not always protecting my tummy from the kicking feet of my other children and from not having to eat a snack just before bed so I can take my multi-vitamins and from feeling empty inside...I am grateful for the chance to appreciate the family that I do have. Holding and hugging and being with my husband and five beautiful girls brings joy to my saddened soul. Hearing them laugh and holding them as they cry soothes my aching heart. We will be okay. Things are as they should be. Jason has stepped up his sympathy dial (I know, you didn't think it was possible) and has been an angel to fix us dinner and help in the care of our crew while my body heals from this loss--physically and mentally. I am slow, but getting better. I cry I lot, but I have a lot of happy moments too. So, you may not believe me, but it's true...we will be okay. We know that things are as a they should be....
5 comments:
Just sending my love your way. You are amazing and an inspiration to all of us who have felt this pain. So grateful for God and eternal families. Good luck with everything and may you continue to be blessed
Thank you for sharing! I have always admired you and now even more so! We are praying for your family.
What beautiful pictures, and what a miracle that tiny body is. Jon and i love your family so much. I wish were closer but we are sending iur love and are crying with you.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are such a strong woman. I hope and pray that the Lord will continue to comfort you and your beautiful family. We love you!! We will continue to pray for all of you.
Thank you for sharing this. I shared it with Grandma T. Know that we are praying that the Lord will bless you and comfort you. You are in our prayers constantly. Love to you and your family.
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