Little Mellow Baby Mialee (ah, those were the days)
My Mom and Her Mom
So, anyway, I think I will focus this lesson on not only attitudes about our divine roles, but attitudes in general. It is my belief that if one can find happiness in today, they will be most assured of happiness forever. And I think that it's not so much about motherhood as it is about refining who we are. There is no one recipe or formula or key to being a good mom any more than there is to being a good father or priesthood holder, or biship, or primary president, or friend. It's about our end goals and desires and willingness to learn from what God gives us. Who could have predicted that I would get an obsessively worried child or that Tara would get a little girl with IS? No one knew but God and he knew that we would be able to handle it, IF WE CHOOSE. If we can't find happiness today, then tomorrow will be no different and neither will eternity.
What do you remember thinking about motherhood as a young women? How have your views changed? Is there anything that you wish someone would have, could have, told you or taught you? How do you find happiness in your "divine role" as a women, mother, child-care provider, housekeeper, teacher....? What are the things that you struggle with?
11 comments:
I really wanted to think about this one. I always wanted to be a mother, and never really had any other desire. It was always, "When I grow up I will be a mom.' And I still know that is what I really want to be.
Wish someone told me-have fun first, go to school, get an education, have some adventures.
Happiness-it has to be in the little things each day-the smiles, the baby steps, a good meal, money saving recipes... And knowing that Heavenly Father knows my struggles. He wants me to be successful, has blessed me in this divine role, as nuturing, etc, (proclamation on family)
Struggles-no 'good job', endless tasks, lonely, baby talk etc.
But still I only want to be a mom (and now grandma) when I grow up.
This is a huge question.
I think the most important thing is to know Christ and the Lord, and to understand your part in the atonement.
Then, I agree with what you're saying that you need to create happiness in the present, regardless of what life/motherhood brings. Not looking back and not hoping for the future, but being grateful for the moment before it passes you by, trusting that Heavenly Father has given all the things in your life to prepare you to be a queen in the Celestial Kingdom, even if all you feel like is the queen of laundry.
"This is our one and only chance at mortal life - here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and non-existent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey - now." ~Pres Monson
I think that everything I was thinking has already been said!! I think living in the moment and enjoying where we are and what we have is the key to being happy. Of course, we prepare for the future, but if we focus too much on what we didn't get or what we may get someday and forget that we have happy things we're doing now, we lose sight of how happy we actually are now.
I wish I had done more when I had a chance, meaning before marriage and children. Now I'm in a new stage and some of my former goals are no longer available to me. I spent nearly an entire year lost in the worry that I'd never have children. I missed out on some great adventures I could've had with my husband during that year. People tried to warn me about that, but I didn't listen. Now I get to form all new goals to complete. I don't know if that even makes sense.
I never thought I'd get married and have kids when I was a young woman. I often joked that I'd get married when I was really old just because the dude would need my insurance benefits! It wasn't that I didn't want to be a mother, just never thought it would happen for me. Then I thought I'd have a career, now I can't imagine any career other than being a mom.
The best lesson I learned, and didn't even realize I was learning, was from my mom. Our house was never spic-n-span. One of our high school friends once walked in and said, "oh, your house is . . . cozy." But what I learned was that there are so many more important things than housekeeping. Yeah, the house needs to be livable, but life comes first. Watching my boys play in the backyard is more important than laundry. Playing trains on the floor is more important than a clean bathroom. I find my happiness in that. I'm enjoying my sons' lives. That's my happy thought. I refuse to one day say, "I missed out on my boys growing up, but my house was clean."
I struggle with loneliness. That's just me putting up walls and being too busy with family to make time for friends. I hadn't thought how lonely it can be to have your husband at work all day and be home with a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and a 1 month old and be house-bound because RSV hit late this year!
Thanks for posting. I'm starting day 2 of full-time mom today. Well, I'll go back to work for a few months; but I'm finally coming up on it, and I realize I don't really know what to do with today.
Boy how I wish I could communicate to those girls my feelings. I have been there, tried to do it and I don't think they ever got it. You know me I never looked forward to being a mom. Sure like you I knew it would happen but even while I was pregnant with Allisen I thought I would go back to work. I had no desire to be a wife, mom, housekeeper, etc. Your right at that age it was about the next basketball game, the next boyfriend, the next dance, the next friend get together, but if I could change one thing now it would be to gain those skills necessary to being a mom. Sewing, cooking, cleaning, playing with kids. It sounds so easy. We are all experts before we are there but then we get there and wonder what do I do. We all make it but would it have been easier to learn these things 15 years ago instead of while having kids YOU BET!
I'm not a mom so I don't have any experience to share but it has always been my greatest desire to be a mother. Like Nancy, it is really the only desire I had. However, the closer it gets, the more I think of everything I will have to "give up" and the more responsibility I will have. I have to raise children in THIS world. That is the thing that scares me the most. So I think that attitude is definately something you should focus on for this lesson, because if I keep the scared or selfish attitude about mother hood, I will never choose to be a mom and I know I won't be able to be a good one unless I have a good attitude about it. I think it is important to have knowledge of the trials you will face as a mother and that it comes with making HUGE sacrifices but to also know that the blessings of fulfilling this devine role will overpower the hard times and make it all worth it.
My two cents would be:
Motherhood is important, but don't rush into marriage. Take your time, go to college or gain other worthwhile skills, have some fun being single. You don't need to be married and have children and accomplish it all so young.
Also there is a time and a season for everything and we shouldn't try to be perfect in all things. Everyone struggle with the balance of keeping house and nurturing children. Don't be fooled however by the worldly view that "just" staying at home with your children or "just" being a mom isn't important.
As for me, some days are great, others are not so great. Most of that depends on me, my attitude, how much I am tuning into my kids, etc. I try to look at motherhood as my current "employment." Some days I slack, others are way productive.
Wow, this is a weighty topic. My short answer would have to be- The thing that has helped me the most not only with being a mom, but in my preparation for motherhood,is my testimony of my Heavenly Father,the Savior and their plan.
There was a point in my life where I was feeling extremely jipped because almost every decision I had made in life was made taking being a mom into consideration. I felt like I had missed out on a lot of opportunities and experiences because “being a mom” didn’t lend itself to this or that. I didn’t pursue med school or archeology because doctor’s schedules and living in far-off places digging in the dirt were not conducive to being the type of mom I pictured myself being. I would have loved to have done heart surgery and saved lives, or to have lived amongst the Incan ruins or explored Egyptian pyramids, but I didn’t see how I could balance caring for kids and doing one of these professions at the same time. I had heard the old saying about reaching for your dreams since elementary school, but that advice seemed to have a lot of disharmony with being a mom. I have always prayed for guidance in my life, and I felt that I had followed my heart in making decisions about vocation, marriage etc. up to this point so I was frustrated to say the least. I was questioning my decisions, and wondering if my plans for motherhood, fulfillment, and happiness were only an illusion. Could I be a mom and still reach my other dreams? From the time I was young, I had a strong testimony about the importance of motherhood, and I wanted to do what was right. I had been searching for a peace to this bothersome question for quite some time when one day an answer came. It was a quiet but powerful feeling that came to my heart. Although it is hard to do it justice in words, this is the general message I felt----- “This life is so short. You are here to do certain things. If you accomplish the purpose at hand, you will have all eternity to live out every dream you have ever had. Live right for this moment, and greater moments than you have ever imagined will be yours.” That simple feeling brought focus to my life and goals. All of the sudden it didn’t matter that I would never have the opportunity to dig in the dirt and be an expert on hieroglyphics in this life because that opportunity, along with many others, would come if I could just accomplish what God sent me to earth to do. I was glad that I had listened in church and YW. I was glad that I had gained a testimony of the plan of salvation, my Heavenly Father and Savior. I knew what the main purpose of this life was and now I had the confirmation I needed to just keep at it. We are here do certain things, not everything. It is up to us to find our purpose in this life, decide how we will accomplish it and go for it!
I don't claim to be anywhere close to an expert on the subject, but when I face struggles, what works for me is to remember this experience. It puts things into perspective, keeps me out of the self-pitty mode, and allows me to find the joy in this journey and keep my dreams alive for the joys that await in the journey to come.
Thanks for such a great question JD. It has done me good to write all this down.
Well, JeriDawn, I really enjoy looking at your blog when I have a few moments to myself. Myself, I don't blog or I don't look at blogs too often.
When I read your question, I wanted to tell you about an experience I had not long after PoJo was born (my first of nine children, for those of you who don't know me). Then I thought to myself, "No, it's a very personal, spiritual experience. It would be difficult to explain briefly and would take too much time to write." So then I just proceeded to read other people's comments.
Whoever Marie is, well, she wrote my comment for me. Substitute biostatistics or brain research for med school or archeology, and the story and feelings and spiritual experience are much the same. I always assumed I would be a mother and always wanted to do what was right, but it all came to a head after the birth of my first baby when I realized that the educational/career path I was pursuing would need to come to a halt in order to be a GOOD mom. I really wrestled with the "injustice" of this. I had/have a decent intellect with the ability to think,study, research, write and to immensely enjoy such "scholarly" things. Why would I be given the capacity to do and enjoy such things if it were not God's will for me to do so in this life?
Well, because there is more than this life.
After pouring out my heart to God, I was blessed with an powerful,undeniable, and peaceful assurance that if I would use this life as "a time to prepare to meet God" by doing His will in a willing and selfless manner, then the time would come when all the learning and knowledge I could ever want and imagine would be mine to seek after, to find, to have, and to enjoy.
I have caught myself wishing that my mom and church leaders would have been more blunt and said things like, "Motherhood doesn't feel very fulfilling everyday," or "You'll have to sacrifice some/lots/most of your dreams--at least as far as accomplishing them in this lifetime--if you plan to be a good mother," but then I wonder if I had been dealt with so bluntly I might not have given motherhood a chance and may have found myself not on God's good side. I don't know.
Womanhood is rather mysterious and complicated topic. It's not one-size-fits-all. I really liked how President Faust recounted the story of Joan of Arc at the General Relief Society Meeting not long ago. Today in church, the speaker, elder Clayson, told about how his mother served a mission for the church when she had a four-year-old child. My ears definitely perked up. The call, signed by the prophet and president of the church, had arrive in the mail completely "out of the blue." Although she had always wanted to serve a mission, she had not turned in any papers. She just kept looking at that call and looking at it and looking at it. It had her name on it. It had the prophet's signature on it. She couldn't figure out how or why she had received the call, but decided it must be from God. She had recently been divorced. She and her four-year-old were living with her mother. She left her son in her mother's care and reported to the MTC on the date specified. In an interview with a member of the 12, while at the MTC, she mentioned her four year old child. His jaw dropped. He verified that he had heard what he thought he had heard. He said he had never heard of such a thing. He said he would get back with her. He got back with her, a few days later, I believe, and said that the brethren had decided that she could serve a mission. So she did--an 18-month mission. It was actually cut short two months, because her mother back home with her child became very ill, so she had to go back home and be a mom.
Now that was the most interesting story I've heard over the pulpit in a long time!
I know this is an old post, but I echo what most are saying. I'm a new mom and so far I love it. I am grateful that I married later in life (29) and got to experience so many things before marriage/motherhood. Since I already got to experience fun selfish things like work, travel, being on my own, I don't spend time regretting or resenting. We were only married 9 months when our 9 year old nephew came to live with us, and not much longer our first baby. Being a mother leaves little or no time for just you - and that's how it should be. I think the big thing to be aware of and to teach future mothers, is that motherhood is hard. It can feel thankless, but it is really rewarding overall - and no mother can pe perfect!
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